If you are a returning member, please register by March 1st! New memberships will be offered starting at 8:00 that day!
If you have not received your registration email, please click here and a carrier pigeon will be released with a note to a small farm in Wisconsin from where we manage all memberships. (We love cheese).
Our 2018 Summer Membership drive is officially underway.
Every year I like to name the membership drive so I can complain about it like an underperforming child. This year's drive is named Hoover. So far Hoover has been chill and there hasn't been to much to complain about. But I suspect Hoover is just getting started, and by the end I'll want to send Hoover off to a military academy in Mississippi.
If you are a returning member and have not gotten an email from Applewood Knolls, please let us know.
If you are on the waitlist, and there are over 650 of you, be patient. We will begin invites on March 1.
If you are reading this and you are a North Korean operative who found my briefcase, "The chair is against the wall and John has a long mustache."